I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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