he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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