as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
