the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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