My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
