I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize