i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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