apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
