Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
