Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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