while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
