Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
