fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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