The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
