So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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