I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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