I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
