I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
