Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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