Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
