shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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