i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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