Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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