This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
