I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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