Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
