I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
