Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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