Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
