Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
