would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
