I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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