all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
