I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
