there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
