I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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