I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
