Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
