i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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