Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
