I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
