yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
