every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
