I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
