but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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