batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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