I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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