Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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