I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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