im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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