I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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